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I fear I have not been able to stop thinking about Jax Amazing Digital Circus…
(this is written w the assumption that you the reader have watched the whole show, btw)
And once again I find myself infuriated by the constant misunderstand of her character and the significance of it. Like not to be hyperbolic but Goose’s portrayal of a self hating, closeted trans woman is so real and like, raw. So like I hate to see people like diminish that by absolutely refusing to have any sort of empathy for le bad meanie character- there’s a plethora of ways I’ve seen people do so but the one that’s been stuck in my head lately is the idea that everything we learn about her is meant to make us like her, and her eventual abstraction is meant to be like a way to elicit pity.
That’s so wild because watching the finale and watching every way Jax has pushed others away has done nothing to like endear me to her, or at least the kind of person she chose to be. In my opinion the tragedy of her story isn’t simply her suicide but the fact that things didn’t have to go this way. I think there’s a difference between excusing shitty actions and acknowledging the driving force behind them. In this case, Jax is a heartbreaking example of what transphobia can do to a person. Like, her mother and honestly society’s degradation and abuse aimed towards Jax (and trans women overall) had completely worn her down to the point where even upon meeting people who are clearly understanding and want the best for her Jax simply cannot allow herself to believe any of that to be genuine. And of course this ends up not only damaging herself but everyone else.
Ultimately the most heartbreaking part of all of this is that Jax very well could have changed for the better, even as far gone as she was. A lot of the damage the circus dealt to the cast is the way that isolation from larger society had placed them in a complete stasis of personhood. Until Pomni comes along it really feels as if everyone, including Caine could not develop in the way people need to irl. I think if Jax was willing to put any effort into improving everyone else would meet her halfway- this is shown in the way that Caine, for all he’s done is still given the opportunity to change and take part in a community that facilitates this.
I think the usage of isn’t she lovely as a farewell song for Jax’s abstraction was such a good choice, like it really showed how the act of self acceptance could’ve led to a journey of redemption and finding happiness. I think Jax saying she doesn’t want to go was her realizing this far too late.